14th July

This year the 14th of July didn't haunt me like it always did.. I didn't feel scared when I woke up this morning. Infact, I felt pretty normal when morning dawned upon me. I did not get that feeling of fear, anxiety and hopelessness. I did not break into tears. As I fumbled around with the newspaper I noticed the change in me, I felt grown up enough to understand that time lessens the pain, time definitely heals. I thought I am finally brave!!! But I was wrong. As the moon lurks outside my window and the stars shine down upon me, I realize I am not through, I am still petrified what tomorrow morning might bring for me, what will be your situation, what will the doctor say, when will you come out of coma, when will the virus leave. All these questions ran through my mind when I left you in the icu and head towards a home without a mom, what's a home without a mother. I had to go home that night, I could not stay in the hospital lobby, you told me to go. We were in the car. As I rested in the passenger seat, in the car without the a/c, windows down, the cool breeze slapped my face in such a beautiful way that I remember so well. That thirty minute ride every night to home was the only peaceful time when my mind got a break, i wished that ride never ended bcx my self could not think more, could not ...... I still miss you, writing gives me a satisfaction nothing else can give. It makes me feel that I am sharing it with you.. 7 years down, I wonder how many more I have to spend without you.